I took a huge leap today. I went to therapy for the first time in my life. I felt as though I were approaching an enormous staircase, and I couldn’t see where it led to. I took the first step. Already, I feel like I’ve made progress. Each step in this journey is a step closer to healing and understanding. Each step holds a lesson. I was so nervous going into this, and I’m glad I did. My therapist could tell within the first 15 minutes that I had a divine sense of intuition. She was kind of impressed by it, actually. I told her I’m an INFJ and she wasn’t surprised. 🙂
My parents split up when I was little. I grew up with a step-sibling who has borderline personality disorder. It took my marriage almost falling apart for me to realize that my mother has been manipulating me my whole life, like I was her puppet. I was sheltered…told what to think instead of taught HOW to think. I left home with no idea who I was or how to make my decisions for myself. My mother wants me to be 5 forever, and refuses to believe I am a grown woman. She wants me to be her clone, and to think how she thinks. Being an independent woman with a mind of my own is unacceptable. If I think or feel or act differently than she would like me to, she says I’m being “controlled” by someone else. It’s almost insulting; she is implying that I cannot think for myself.
I am not responsible for her emotions, as she would have me believe. I have been carrying the burden of her negative emotions my whole life, and I simply can’t bear it any longer. She alone is responsible for them. What a heavy, awful burden to put on the shoulders of a child! It is no wonder I always had to be strong one. If I fell apart, she would fall apart and it would be all my fault. I am not buying tickets to her constant guilt trips anymore. I am done carrying around needless guilt about every little thing.
Between her and my BPD sibling, I have grown up surrounded by dysfunction and manipulation. It’s no wonder I have anxiety, and am so quick to shut down. All my life, I thought I was crazy. I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t feel “normal” like everyone else. I grew up, and still felt that way. After shit hit the fan, I started to see the manipulation and guilt trips for the first time. The scales have slowly been falling from my eyes ever since. My therapist made me feel like I’m NOT crazy, and that feels so good. Like a burden lifted. Am I a mess? Yes. But now I know why. I thought maybe I was angry, and not thinking clearly…that maybe I was being ridiculous or was way off base. But no. Therapy confirmed everything. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but at least I know I’m not completely insane now.
I am exhausted, It’s been such a long day. Yet, here I am unable to sleep. Too many heavy thoughts swirling around my mind that my therapy session stirred up. I am finally able to begin the process of sorting the madness out and figuring out what the hell to do with it all.
“Sometimes you don’t realize your drowning when you’re trying to be someone else’s anchor.”
“I can tell a lot by a person by what they choose to see in me. It’s always a game changer.”