Progress.

Session three of therapy today.  It’s getting a little easier as far as talking to a complete stranger about my problems goes.  I find it hard to sleep on therapy nights; so much crap from my past gets dredged up and keeps my mind too busy to sleep.  I have a lot of nightmares since starting therapy, as well.  My subconscious is trying to work through it all, but is showing signs of progress as it turns out.

I dreamed that I went to see my mom for the first time in years.  And it took guts.  But I went for it.  Things immediately went downhill.  There was no “Hi, how are you?”  She went straight into trying to destroy my marriage.  She reported domestic abuse that didn’t even happen to the cops.  She hadn’t seen me or my husband in years, she knew NOTHING about us and then pulls this stunt.  She took my phone and tried to cut me off from my own husband.  Now me and my kid were under her roof, under her control and manipulation, just like she wanted.  I let it happen before in real life, but this dream had a different ending.  I saw through her manipulation this time.  And I fought back.  I let her have it.  In a blind rage, I screamed at her and blamed her for divorcing my dad, amongst many other things.  I then took my phone back and called my husband to pick us up and leave immediately.

My subconscious is taking my past, and mixing it with my present.  It’s telling me that I don’t have to take shit from anyone, not even my own family.  I have a mind of my own, now.  Something I’m just discovering, sadly.  I have been manipulated and controlled my whole life.  But it ends here and now. 

I have a lot of work ahead of me, though.  I also learned today that I am really mean to myself.  I was instructed to try positive affirmations and to be more aware of my inner dialogue and thought process.  I need to change the channel when those self-hating thoughts rear their ugly heads.  I have always been a perfectionist and really hard on myself, so this will be a huge undertaking to say the least.  My INFJ personality type is kind of notorious for being their own worst critic, so I’m actually rewiring my brain here.  It’s overwhelming.   I need to take this one step at a time, which presents another challenge: INFJs are forward thinkers, but this requires me to be in the moment…hmmm.

Advertisements

“You’re the One With the Problem.”

I had a nightmare during my nap just now:

It was raining really hard, and was supposed to stay that way for days.  I’m not even sure where I was; it looked like my house on the inside, but outside was my parent’s house.  My older sister lived next door, and my other 2 sisters lived in the house with my parents.  I’m not sure why we were staying in the same house as my parents, because this would never happen in real life.  But whatever…We weren’t interacting with my parents much, we were all just trying to weather this storm.  The driveway had become a tiny mudslide, and our car was in the middle of it, stuck like chuck.  So there we were. 

We’re all sitting on my couch when a huge, fat black widow skitters across the floor and hides under the other side.  We we all jumped up screaming, and found a brown recluse crawling down the other side of the couch.  We were sitting in the middle of an infestation of deadly spiders.  I was terrifed and suggested we leave.  My younger sister had never moved from the couch, and proceeded to make fun of my spider phobia.  Typical.   Maybe my sister next door would let us stay with her.  I packed our bags and ran outside.  I could see my sister taking laundry off the line on her back porch, with her son in tow.  I went to her fence, and we made eye contact.  Her son, my nephew, didn’t even crack a smile.  They just looked at me, and quickly went back inside, locking the door.  Shutting me out.  I didn’t have a problem with her..not a one.  My mom obviously trashed me to her and made her hate me. 

My son was younger in the dream, around 6 months old or so.   My mom was holding him when she stuck her head out the back door and asked me to help her–she needed something important that was out in the car and she couldn’t carry it.  I snapped out of my shocked daze and followed her, baby and all.   We get to the car, and there is a flat bed trailer next to it.  Mom laid the baby on the trailer, in the rain.  I asked her why she couldn’t bring him inside the car with us while we gathered everything, just to shield him from the heavy rain.  She replied, “sometimes we have to do the best we can for our children, even when it’s hard.”  What?  okaaay…so she opens the car and there are a couple stacks of books piled up, most of them about health because that’s what she is obsessed with.  THAT is what we came out there in the pouring rain to get: books.  I was annoyed.  The rain got heavier, so we grabbed the baby and took shelter in the car.  She read one of her books and I made a card for her from my son.  I may not have the best relationship with her, but I still thought it’d be nice for her and my son to know each other at least.  As I’m writing in the card, she looks over and sees it.  She says, “So we’re writing letters now?  That’s how you want to keep in contact?”  I replied that yes, when we we’re out of there, it would be letters only.  She said, “whatever you want to do.  After all, you’re the one with the problem.”  Followed by a quick change of subject that left me wondering if I’d even heard her right.  Did she really just say that?  It’s so like her to throw some cold-hearted jab in the middle of the conversation and keep talking about something else, like that somehow will  make me forget she even said it.  Like that somehow made it okay.  I was going to get out of the car with the baby and walk back to house in the rain, but I woke up and the dream was over.

According to Dreammoods.com, this is the interpretation:

To see a spider in your dream indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or perhaps you want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power or an overbearing mother figure in your life. Alternatively, a spider refers to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior.

To see a black widow in your dream suggests fear or uncertainty regarding a relationship. You may feel confined, trapped, or suffocated in this relationship.

(What’s interesting is that spiders have been a recurring nightmare for me for as long as I can remember.  hmm..)

To see a trailer in your dream suggests that you are feeling overburdened. You are carry more weight on your shoulders than you need to.

To see books in your dream indicate calmness. You are moving toward your goals at a slow and steady pace. Books also symbolize knowledge, intellect, information and wisdom.

To see mud in your dream suggests that you are involved in a messy and sticky situation. It also suggests that some spiritual cleansing is needed.  To dream that you are walking in mud suggests that you are feeling weighed down by a situation, problem, or relationship. You are feeling frustrated. To dream that mud has gotten on your clothing means that your reputation is being attacked and called into question. Consider the term “mud-slinging” to refer to some politicians. 

interesting.