WordPress Erased My Post!

I just wrote an entire post, published it, and only the tags and title published.  The content was completely gone.  There isn’t so much as a draft left.  I have to start ALL OVER.  Sooooo not happy right now!  Anyone else have this problem?  While I was typing the post, the page looked different, like the part you write in was greyed out.  I guess that was a red flag that I shouldn’t have ignored. Maybe my laptop didn’t load it right?   😦  I will try again later.

Finding My Voice

You are blind to yourself,
You see what you want to see.
All my life you’ve dug your claws in,
Refusing to set me free.

You’ve tried so hard to mold me
Into your perfect, little clone.
But there’s one thing you’ve forgotten:
I’ve got a mind of my own.

You put your voice in my thoughts,
And made your beliefs mine, too.
Have you ever thought for a second,
That I want to be ME, not you?

Now the question remains:
Who the hell am I?
What do I believe?
What do I want, and why?

The road to making you happy
Has taken me nowhere.
I am merely an empty shell,
Damaged beyond repair.

So here’s what’s going to happen;
This is how it will be:
I’ve got to have some space,
So I can finally just be me.

I need to find my voice,
To separate it from yours.
I am clawing my way out
Of these sheltering, closed doors.

This town is like a bubble,
Or even a black hole.
It makes me claustrophobic
And it stifles my soul.

My life can only be lived
By me, and me alone.
My decisions are mine to make,
My mistakes are mine to own.

I’m taking this hold you’ve had on me,
And I am finally letting it go.
Your happiness shouldn’t depend on me;
It is all up to you, you know.

I’ve got my own family,
And they deserve my best.
I just can’t give them that
With your weight upon my chest.

You’re going to push me and protest,
You’ll get angry and ice me out.
You might talk behind my back,
And for awhile, you will even pout.

But if there is one thing you’ve taught me,
It’s that life goes on.
Not one of us is perfect,
And someday we’ll all be gone.

So let’s agree to disagree;
Tomorrow is a brand new day.
Time may not heal all wounds,
But it can take the sting away.

There are so many things I’ll do differently,
Now that I am a mother, too.
But there is much that I can teach him,
Because I learned so much from you.

 

 

 

 

 

Dreams of the Week

Two of my latest dreams, and my thoughts on them.  If you are good with dream interpretation, feel free to add your 2 cents!

Dream 1:
My husband, son and I had moved to Argentina.  We were happily exploring our new city, and I stumbled across a dance studio (I used to be a ballet dancer and my love of dance is something that pops up in my dreams quite often).  I glanced longingly at the quaint studio, and kept walking, knowing my husband has no interest in such things and would be bored if I stopped.  As if reading my mind, he stopped me right in front of it.  He encouraged me to go in, and I was very taken aback by this.  So I went inside briefly to get more information before we went on our way.  At the end of the shop-lined street, we stopped.  I was holding the baby, and my husband randomly insisted on painting my toenails.  For some reason, he was going out of his way to pamper me that day and I was starting to wonder if he was sick or something.  He pulled out a paint brush, the kind you’d use to paint a house, and red nail polish.  “How on earth is he going to do a decent job of painting my toe nails with that big ol’ thing?” I wondered to myself.  (Oddly enough, in the dream it never occurred to me how strange it was that he’d paint my nails right there on the street like that).  Next thing I know, I am looking down at my toes, and he couldn’t have done a more perfect job.  It looked like I had just walked out of a nail salon.  I was pleasantly surprised, and quite impressed.  He stood in front of me and said, “I found a house for us, but it’s small.  I am so afraid you will leave me if you don’t like the house.”  He looked genuinely worried.  I was shocked at his admission, as that thought had never even occurred to me.  As a matter of fact, it could not have been more opposite of how I felt.  He was so worried he was almost in tears!  I took his hand and said, “As long as the three of us are together, I am home.”  I could almost see the burden lifting off his shoulders.  With our son on my hip, we continued on our walk, and into our new life together in a strange city. 

—-Funny thing is, this dream predicted future events, and I had no idea until those events occurred.  We had a similar conversation a few days after this dream.  I have had multiple dreams that have predicted the future, but I never know it until the thing actually happens in real life.  I dreamed about a plane crash once, and saw the exact same plane crash on the news days later.  It was like deja vu.  I had watched the news thinking, “Where have I seen this before?” and then it hit me:  my dreams predicted it.  It is a very eerie feeling. My dreams have also predicted that I was pregnant before I had any clue, and that my baby was going to be a boy.—

Dream 2:
I am sitting on the couch watching Netflix, when my stomach starts to feel funny.  I blew it off as something I ate not agreeing with me, and this is what I told my husband, who was sitting next to me.  But then I could see my stomach move.  Was my dinner literally fighting back? The movement got stronger, and I suddenly knew exactly what it was: a baby.  I was pregnant and had no idea until that very moment.  How on earth had I gone that long without noticing?  I was completely shocked.  My mind was reeling with all the things I should and shouldn’t have been doing all of this time.  I remained calm, and didn’t say anything to my husband.  I wanted to take a test first, just to be sure.  So I did–positive.  I felt sick.  I was so afraid of his reaction.  We had just talked about waiting to have a second baby, and I did not feel ready for another one just yet.  How would we afford this?  I approached him to give him the news, and the dream ended before I could.  I woke up with my hands across my belly, like I had been feeling the baby move.  I had to remind myself for a few minutes that it was just a dream before I could go back to sleep.

A good friend of mine is pregnant with her second, and the day before this dream, she had been telling me about feeling the baby moving.  As much as I would love to have a second child, my husband and I both would rather wait until our son is a little older.  Thankfully, this dream did NOT predict the future.  🙂  I do miss being pregnant and having a newborn, since my son is one now.  I am guessing this dream is my mind’s way of sorting out my mixed feelings on this.  I have so many friends that are expecting at the moment, so it’s no wonder it has been on my mind.—

The City That Can’t Be Mapped.

Every morning I wake up and push aside the curtains…
What does my world look like today?
Every day is different, in this city that’s alive.
Though it’s the same old city, all the buildings have been rearranged.
The streets I knew yesterday have become an unfamiliar maze.
The weather is a fickle beast,
Sun one day and storms the next.
Only, there is no forecast, no weather maps.
I find myself on edge every morning,
Not knowing what my world will be today.
It seems it always storms while I’m lost in the city’s maze,
And the sun only shines when I have no where to be.
As soon as I learn the city again,
It is time for it to change.
The streets switch places and the buildings swap,
Before anyone can map it.
It’s never the same arrangement twice.
We are a city of confusion,
The city of the lost.
Everything looks familiar,
Yet nothing makes any sense.
The weather teases me with sun,
But always leaves me cold.
The street seemed full of promise,
But leads to another dead end.
I am tired from the mazes,
And shivering from the rain.
I crawl into the only thing familiar,
So I can wake up and do it all again.

 

 

INFJ Pet Peeves

 

 

Below are a list of my pet peeves, as an INFJ.  Please note that these aren’t meant to speak for all INFJs, as we are more than our personality type.  That said, feel free to add yours in the comments!  🙂

-Inconsiderate people.  I get frustrated with those that do not consider the needs or feelings of those around them, especially when it is obvious.  I make it a point to be considerate, and would like the same in return.  If I get up for a glass of water, I’m going to offer you one, too.  If I am walking down the aisle at the grocery store and another shopper is headed in my direction, I am going to make room for them.  I’m not going to clog up the aisle and give them a dirty look when they struggle to squeeze by me.  Unfortunately, the world is full of inconsiderate people, making this a constant source of frustration.  I will bend over backwards for people I don’t even know, yet no one does this for me.  Sometimes I get fed up and think to myself, “If ya can’t beat ’em, join ’em!”  Then I cut someone off in traffic, or flip out on the cable company when my DVR is broken again.  I am not proud of this.  As a matter of fact, I feel pretty darn guilty afterwards.  It is so out of character for me.  But it does happen on very rare occasions when I have had enough.

-Shallow and superficial people. I see so much depth to everything in life, so I don’t understand how other people can’t.  I know there is more to life than popularity, job titles, money, the vehicle you drive, what brand your clothes are, or what you look like.  I see right past a person’s appearance and into who they really are.  This is effortless, like breathing.  I don’t look at someone’s clothes and decide we can’t be friends based on their fashion choices alone.  Shows like “Fashion Police” drive me nuts; sitting around judging people for what they wear is ridiculous.  There is way more underneath that “hideous” dress and perfect body–there is a soul in there with feelings.  People who put a tremendous amount of importance on “stuff” are people I don’t usually have much in common with.  This is why small talk is annoying and tiresome–it is nothing more than a superficial, meaningless waste of breath.  I find it really irritating.  I know that “stuff” is just a tornado or fire away from being gone, and most of it is replaceable.  I would rather invest in my relationships with loved ones than in stuff…my family and friends cannot be replaced and time is precious.  I think of life in terms of, “when I’m on my deathbed, am I going to even care of about this?  What is really going to have mattered at that point?”

-Selfishness–Looking out for number one at the expense of everyone else.  For example: Doing drugs when you know you’re pregnant and putting your unborn child at risk just so you can get a high.  Gambling your bank account away when you have a family at home who depends on you.  Starving and neglecting your dog because you are too lazy to care for it.  Driving drunk, putting countless innocent lives at risk because you couldn’t be bothered to call a cab.  Making an elderly woman stand on the subway because you are too comfortable to give up your seat.  Walking right past someone who obviously needs help.  Suing McDonald’s for millions because YOU spilled hot coffee.  That is selfishness.  Selfishness is the root of all evil.  If you know you’re actions are going to needlessly hurt someone and you do it anyway, that drives me crazy.  Life isn’t fair…life is brutal.  But we are all in this together, like it or not.  We can make each other’s lives even more miserable, or we can lend a helping hand.  Imagine how much it would change the world if every single person made an effort to help someone.  It is good to put yourself first sometimes, healthy, even!  But there is a delicate balance.  We also need to learn the value of putting others ahead of ourselves.  (Being a parent will teach you this very quickly!)

What are yours?

Crazy Eyes

“It’s like you become more than you, but now it’s ok. Because the person chose to take all that on. All that weird stuff, whatever’s wrong or bad or hiding in you. Suddenly, it’s all right. You don’t feel like such a freak anymore.” -Crazy Eyes, Orange is the New Black.

Words are not enough to express how much I love this quote!  Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren is my favorite character in the whole show.  She is different, real, absolutely hilarious and not afraid to be herself.   Underneath those crazy eyes is a strong, sweet, smart woman.  She has such a refreshing take on life;  there is something so wonderful and unique in the way she sees the world.   I’m glad we are getting to know her better in season 2!  She is an inspiration to be your weird self, to own your quirks, and not to change who you are based on what someone else thinks.

INFP and INFJ: Being Alone Together

This is so true!

What's My Type?

All introverts share a common need: time spent alone in order to recharge, reflect, and decompress. So deep is the need in the INFP and INFJ that if neglected, they begin to experience lethargy—a fogging of the mind, if you will. If forced to socialize for extended periods, they might even they suffer anxiety that could blossom into full fledged panic attacks. Solitude is their sanctuary, a place they can enjoy their own thoughts without the clutter of stimulation from the outside world.

human-and-sunsetOf course, with personalities so complex as the INFP and INFJ nothing is ever simple. For them, seclusion is a need of peak importance. Unfortunately, so is a need for deep and meaningful relationships. They are often torn between needing to spend time alone, while simultaneously wishing they could be with a friend or loved one. Mind you, the key to the previous sentence is the lack…

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My Fascination with Dreams and the Subconcious

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I’ve had very vivid dreams for as long as I can remember.  My imagination goes crazy at night, and this dark, twisted side of my subconscious emerges. I have had nightmares that would put Stephen King to shame.  I’ve dreamed about my own funeral, finding bodies under my bed, nightmares about mental hospitals, butcher shops and people I love dying; I dreamed that my son was dropped on his head on a sidewalk when he was a newborn (I was utterly devastated, and had to go check on him before I could even think about going back to bed)!  I’ve had countless dreams of tornados and plane crashes (all of which I’ve survived), dreams where I am in murky water surrounded by snakes & alligators, or that I’m in an ocean with huge waves where I am desperately trying to save my son, or I’m watching a horrible accident unfold right in front of me and I am helpless to stop it.   It is so real when I dream, I actually believe it’s happening.  It can be quite terrifying; I sometimes wake up hyperventilating, crying, sweating, and so very confused. Sometimes I almost scream in my sleep and wake my husband up (which says a lot, since he sleeps through anything)!

I have experienced a strange state of deep sleep/consciousness where I literally couldn’t take a breath-my brain told my body to breathe, but my body refused.  I was completely paralyzed-I couldn’t move a single muscle, breathe or even make a sound.  I  started suffocating; as if my mind, body and soul had completely disconnected. I was wide awake on the inside, but my body felt almost dead.  I remember laying there in my bed, only a teenager, honestly thinking, “this is it..I’m dying in my sleep right here, right now.”  No matter how loud my mind screamed at my lungs to breathe, they just wouldn’t do it.  I reached a point where I wasn’t even scared anymore-I just accepted what was happening.  Suddenly, my lungs gasped for breath!  I was so relieved.  It’s happened a few times since, and its always horrifying.

I still have a lot of nightmares, but not always.  I have had a handful of amazing dreams where I can fly, or talk to loved ones that have passed.  Most of the time my dreams are kind of dark, but it doesn’t bother me so much anymore. Maybe I have learned to embrace them instead of fear them, I don’t know.  I have dreams that predict the future, dreams that are so spiritual that I can’t shake the feeling they were more than just a dream, and some that are an entertaining mish-mash of my waking life.

I have been greatly intrigued by dreams since childhood…always seeking their meaning.  It is like tapping into a part of myself that I cannot access while awake.  It is so fascinating!  It’s a whole different side of me that I can’t access at will-I have to wait until it feels like revealing itself.  I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have full access to my subconscious, to unearth everything hidden away in there, see the repressed memories, and experience it’s uninhibited, limitless imagination while awake.  Does it hold the key to who I really am?  What could my subconscious teach me?  Would I have a greater understanding of myself and the world? Or would it be too overwhelming, too dark, and much more than I can handle?  I may never know.

I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.  INFJs, do you all have vivid dreams as well?