Progress.

Session three of therapy today.  It’s getting a little easier as far as talking to a complete stranger about my problems goes.  I find it hard to sleep on therapy nights; so much crap from my past gets dredged up and keeps my mind too busy to sleep.  I have a lot of nightmares since starting therapy, as well.  My subconscious is trying to work through it all, but is showing signs of progress as it turns out.

I dreamed that I went to see my mom for the first time in years.  And it took guts.  But I went for it.  Things immediately went downhill.  There was no “Hi, how are you?”  She went straight into trying to destroy my marriage.  She reported domestic abuse that didn’t even happen to the cops.  She hadn’t seen me or my husband in years, she knew NOTHING about us and then pulls this stunt.  She took my phone and tried to cut me off from my own husband.  Now me and my kid were under her roof, under her control and manipulation, just like she wanted.  I let it happen before in real life, but this dream had a different ending.  I saw through her manipulation this time.  And I fought back.  I let her have it.  In a blind rage, I screamed at her and blamed her for divorcing my dad, amongst many other things.  I then took my phone back and called my husband to pick us up and leave immediately.

My subconscious is taking my past, and mixing it with my present.  It’s telling me that I don’t have to take shit from anyone, not even my own family.  I have a mind of my own, now.  Something I’m just discovering, sadly.  I have been manipulated and controlled my whole life.  But it ends here and now. 

I have a lot of work ahead of me, though.  I also learned today that I am really mean to myself.  I was instructed to try positive affirmations and to be more aware of my inner dialogue and thought process.  I need to change the channel when those self-hating thoughts rear their ugly heads.  I have always been a perfectionist and really hard on myself, so this will be a huge undertaking to say the least.  My INFJ personality type is kind of notorious for being their own worst critic, so I’m actually rewiring my brain here.  It’s overwhelming.   I need to take this one step at a time, which presents another challenge: INFJs are forward thinkers, but this requires me to be in the moment…hmmm.

Thoughts About Thinking

Very insightful INFJ post! 🙂

I Love To Go A Gardening

Nothing is common Everything is beautiful, but not everyone sees it.

I am almost never bored because I think that even the most common things are interesting to me. I think stories about every day life are fascinating because they give glimpses into how people live. I also am grateful to those who write stories or diaries about their lives because they give future generations a glimpse into how life used to be. I have a treasured memory of EJ and me visiting an older couple from our church–years ago, before JJ was born.  We sat on the large wraparound porch sipping lemonade on a hot summer day as the elderly man described how, back when he was young, his family would have to stop to patch the tires on their car every few miles on their way to town because, back then, tires weren’t so good and “blew” easily. How interesting! Family…

View original post 2,490 more words

The Difference Between You and I

You…

You’re the boat no one dares to rock.

You’re the nails digging into my skin refusing to let go.

You’re the fragile glued-together vase that no one wants to break.

You’re the virus glitching out my brain.

You’re the travel agent giving away free guilt trips.

You’re the voice whispering behind my back.

You’re the projector and I am the screen.

You’re the judge and the jury of my life.

You’re the loud voice drowning out my own.

You’re the tornado tearing through my life.

 

But I…

I am a boat built to handle every wave that threatens to drown me.

I am ripped from your desperate grasp now.

I am a vase made of steel instead of glass.

I am scanning my brain and deleting the viruses.

I am no longer packing my bags and accepting your tickets to the guilt trip.

I don’t hear the whispering anymore because you’ve pushed me so far away.

I am no longer a screen to project your delusions on; I’m a freaking mirror sending it all right back to you.

I am not on trial and you are not my judge and jury.

I’m making my own voice heard now.

I built a fortress around everything I love so no tornado can destroy it.  Never again.

 

“You’re the One With the Problem.”

I had a nightmare during my nap just now:

It was raining really hard, and was supposed to stay that way for days.  I’m not even sure where I was; it looked like my house on the inside, but outside was my parent’s house.  My older sister lived next door, and my other 2 sisters lived in the house with my parents.  I’m not sure why we were staying in the same house as my parents, because this would never happen in real life.  But whatever…We weren’t interacting with my parents much, we were all just trying to weather this storm.  The driveway had become a tiny mudslide, and our car was in the middle of it, stuck like chuck.  So there we were. 

We’re all sitting on my couch when a huge, fat black widow skitters across the floor and hides under the other side.  We we all jumped up screaming, and found a brown recluse crawling down the other side of the couch.  We were sitting in the middle of an infestation of deadly spiders.  I was terrifed and suggested we leave.  My younger sister had never moved from the couch, and proceeded to make fun of my spider phobia.  Typical.   Maybe my sister next door would let us stay with her.  I packed our bags and ran outside.  I could see my sister taking laundry off the line on her back porch, with her son in tow.  I went to her fence, and we made eye contact.  Her son, my nephew, didn’t even crack a smile.  They just looked at me, and quickly went back inside, locking the door.  Shutting me out.  I didn’t have a problem with her..not a one.  My mom obviously trashed me to her and made her hate me. 

My son was younger in the dream, around 6 months old or so.   My mom was holding him when she stuck her head out the back door and asked me to help her–she needed something important that was out in the car and she couldn’t carry it.  I snapped out of my shocked daze and followed her, baby and all.   We get to the car, and there is a flat bed trailer next to it.  Mom laid the baby on the trailer, in the rain.  I asked her why she couldn’t bring him inside the car with us while we gathered everything, just to shield him from the heavy rain.  She replied, “sometimes we have to do the best we can for our children, even when it’s hard.”  What?  okaaay…so she opens the car and there are a couple stacks of books piled up, most of them about health because that’s what she is obsessed with.  THAT is what we came out there in the pouring rain to get: books.  I was annoyed.  The rain got heavier, so we grabbed the baby and took shelter in the car.  She read one of her books and I made a card for her from my son.  I may not have the best relationship with her, but I still thought it’d be nice for her and my son to know each other at least.  As I’m writing in the card, she looks over and sees it.  She says, “So we’re writing letters now?  That’s how you want to keep in contact?”  I replied that yes, when we we’re out of there, it would be letters only.  She said, “whatever you want to do.  After all, you’re the one with the problem.”  Followed by a quick change of subject that left me wondering if I’d even heard her right.  Did she really just say that?  It’s so like her to throw some cold-hearted jab in the middle of the conversation and keep talking about something else, like that somehow will  make me forget she even said it.  Like that somehow made it okay.  I was going to get out of the car with the baby and walk back to house in the rain, but I woke up and the dream was over.

According to Dreammoods.com, this is the interpretation:

To see a spider in your dream indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or perhaps you want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power or an overbearing mother figure in your life. Alternatively, a spider refers to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior.

To see a black widow in your dream suggests fear or uncertainty regarding a relationship. You may feel confined, trapped, or suffocated in this relationship.

(What’s interesting is that spiders have been a recurring nightmare for me for as long as I can remember.  hmm..)

To see a trailer in your dream suggests that you are feeling overburdened. You are carry more weight on your shoulders than you need to.

To see books in your dream indicate calmness. You are moving toward your goals at a slow and steady pace. Books also symbolize knowledge, intellect, information and wisdom.

To see mud in your dream suggests that you are involved in a messy and sticky situation. It also suggests that some spiritual cleansing is needed.  To dream that you are walking in mud suggests that you are feeling weighed down by a situation, problem, or relationship. You are feeling frustrated. To dream that mud has gotten on your clothing means that your reputation is being attacked and called into question. Consider the term “mud-slinging” to refer to some politicians. 

interesting.



 

Sex, Abstinence and Church…Oh My!

When I was about 13 or 14, our church had a True Love Waits ceremony.  This consisted of signing a pledge to remain a virgin until marriage, and then your father would sign it as well.  You stood in front the entire church congregation and made your sexuality everyone’s business.  Your youth minister, your pastor, your dad, the boys in your Sunday school class, the creepy guy in the back pew, the choir, and every gossiping church lady, are all witnesses to what you plan to do (or not do!) with your vagina.  One of the most personal decisions you can make has been put on a humiliating public display.  It’s awkward and embarrassing, especially at that age.

Now let me stop right here and explain some things–if you’ve been to a Baptist church, you know that it runs on gossip.  To say that gossip spreads like wildfire would be the understatement of the year.  Secondly, when you live in a small town, everyone knows who you are.  If you make one little mistake, everyone is going to know about it.  Your extreme fundamentalist parents have drilled it into your head that you are not to ruin the family’s reputation.  As a result, you have no choice but to participate in this public ceremony.  Everyone knows who you are, so they WILL notice if you aren’t standing up there proclaiming your virginity to the masses.  If you don’t make this pledge, your family’s reputation is at stake, as well as your own.  You will be considered a godless slut, and everyone will talk about you.  If you make the pledge and fail, everyone will find out through the grapevine and never forget about it.  This is an incredible amount of pressure at 14 years old.   So ready or not, you go through with it.  You really have no choice; the circumstances trap you into promising abstinence.  I’d like to think this wasn’t on purpose, that was all good intentions but poorly thought out, but I’m not really sure.  It could very well be a way to “control” sex-crazed teenagers so they don’t “end up in hell.”  I don’t know.

Girls get the most pressure from the church about abstinence.  Not only are we supposed to wear purity rings and make promises we don’t know we can keep, but we are also expected to help guys stay pure.  We are told not to show too much skin or take kissing too far, lest we MAKE a guy sin sexually.  It’s like we are responsible for ourselves AND for them, while they don’t have to take any responsibility at all.  In my middle school days, I used to bring my boyfriend at the time to youth group with me.  I was trying to be the good Christian girl and take my boyfriend to church, and tell him no when he tried to talk me into sex for the hundredth time.  However, no good deed goes unpunished.  I got taken aside by the youth pastor and got a sex talk out of the blue.  He more or less assumed we were doing it and I was the one that was in trouble.  Did he talk to my boyfriend? Nope. I guess I was causing him to think impure thoughts and that was my fault.  Did he get my side of the story?  Sure didn’t.  Ever since, whenever the lesson had anything to do with sex and purity, he made it a point to shoot a disapproving glance my way.  It was beyond humiliating and not to mention insulting.  I really stuck to my guns and never gave into the pressure to have sex and here I was being treated like a slut.

For some reason, the church is obsessed with other people’s sexuality (just take homosexuality for example)!  I believe that God sees sin as sin–not as one sin being “better” or “worse” than another.  We all have our particular sins that we struggle with, it’s part of being human.  The church focuses on sexual sins, and makes them out to be the worst things you can do.  It makes you feel like sex is dirty and wrong.  No one is honest or open about it; all the Sunday school teachers and pastors make themselves out to be perfect, as if they’ve done the right thing their whole lives without question or struggle.  Thankfully, my parents were very open and honest about this topic and I learned from their mistakes.  They both had kids out of wedlock and shared their regrets about giving something away that they could never get back.  Not everyone has a parent or mentor in their life to tell them the truth about these things.  All they hear is that sex is bad, and they end up in therapy.  If churches are going to make teenagers pledge to stay virgins in front of everybody, the least they can do is be completely honest about the topic.

I believe that promising abstinence is between me and God alone.  It should be something I CHOSE to do for the right reasons, not something I felt trapped into doing.  It completely misses the point to stay pure out of fear or obligation alone.  It should be a personal decision that you make to honor God.  I was given a purity ring at this ceremony, and I actually did keep my promise until marriage. I even lost a boyfriend or two over it.  Then I met my future husband, and he didn’t run when I told him I wanted to wait; he waited right along with me.  To be honest, I think we rushed into marriage too young; we wanted to follow through on our commitment to wait until our wedding night, but we didn’t want to wait forever!  Thankfully, we are still together and are so glad we waited for each other.  Not having that sexual past baggage is a gift in itself.

I hope the church can find a better way to approach this topic.  It’s so very personal, and so many Christians are grossly ill-informed about sex.  The way they handle it can be the difference between someone accepting God or rejecting Him altogether.  There is a dire need in the church for better education on sex in general, and what the Bible itself actually says about it.  The Bible is NOT shy about the matter, and we shouldn’t be either.  It’s part of life, like breathing.  Treating it like a taboo subject, picking on homosexuality and shaming teenagers into abstinence is not working. 

Session One

I took a huge leap today.  I went to therapy for the first time in my life.  I felt as though I were approaching an enormous staircase, and I couldn’t see where it led to.  I took the first step.  Already, I feel like I’ve made progress.  Each step in this journey is a step closer to healing and understanding.  Each step holds a lesson.  I was so nervous going into this, and I’m glad I did.  My therapist could tell within the first 15 minutes that I had a divine sense of intuition.  She was kind of impressed by it, actually.  I told her I’m an INFJ and she wasn’t surprised.  🙂 

My parents split up when I was little.  I grew up with a step-sibling who has borderline personality disorder.  It took my marriage almost falling apart for me to realize that my mother has been manipulating me my whole life, like I was her puppet. I was sheltered…told what to think instead of taught HOW to think.  I left home with no idea who I was or how to make my decisions for myself.  My mother wants me to be 5 forever, and refuses to believe I am a grown woman.  She wants me to be her clone, and to think how she thinks.  Being an independent woman with a mind of my own is unacceptable.  If I think or feel or act differently than she would like me to, she says I’m being “controlled” by someone else.  It’s almost insulting; she is implying that I cannot think for myself.   

I am not responsible for her emotions, as she would have me believe.  I have been carrying the burden of her negative emotions my whole life, and I simply can’t bear it any longer.  She alone is responsible for them.  What a heavy, awful burden to put on the shoulders of a child!  It is no wonder I always had to be strong one.  If I fell apart, she would fall apart and it would be all my fault.  I am not buying tickets to her constant guilt trips anymore.  I am done carrying around needless guilt about every little thing. 

Between her and my BPD sibling, I have grown up surrounded by dysfunction and manipulation.  It’s no wonder I have anxiety, and am so quick to shut down.  All my life, I thought I was crazy.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  I didn’t feel “normal” like everyone else.  I grew up, and still felt that way.  After shit hit the fan, I started to see the manipulation and guilt trips for the first time.  The scales have slowly been falling from my eyes ever since.  My therapist made me feel like I’m NOT crazy, and that feels so good.  Like a burden lifted.  Am I a mess?  Yes.  But now I know why.  I thought maybe I was angry, and not thinking clearly…that maybe I was being ridiculous or was way off base.  But no.  Therapy confirmed everything.  I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but at least I know I’m not completely insane now. 

I am exhausted, It’s been such a long day.  Yet, here I am unable to sleep.  Too many heavy thoughts swirling around my mind that my therapy session stirred up.  I am finally able to begin the process of sorting the madness out and figuring out what the hell to do with it all.

“Sometimes you don’t realize your drowning when you’re trying to be someone else’s anchor.”

“I can tell a lot by a person by what they choose to see in me.  It’s always a game changer.”

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/970732_590109814343539_1937211478_n.jpg

Therapy..

I finally got up the nerve to make that phone call today…the one that would result in my first ever therapy appointment.  I am surprised at how nervous I am.  Am I nervous about finding the office, about getting lost on the way there, or not being able to find parking?  Is it just the idea that I have to be somewhere at a certain time?  Or am I nervous about baring my soul to a total stranger?  I hope this helps, I really do.  I’ve been through a lot and maybe this will help me put all the pieces of my past together.  Maybe I can finally have a normal relationship with my mother, and learn how to sort out and communicate my feelings.  It’s so easy to figure out everyone else, but I am my biggest mystery.  sigh…here goes nothin’!

INFJ Favorite Songs of the Week!

1. Embrace Me–Greg Laswell

Oh wind, won’t you take me up to the sky
I can get a good look down at this life of mine
River, won’t you take me out into the sea
I can get a good look back at the land that grounds me

2. Wave–Beck  

I move away from this place
In the form of a disturbance
And enter into the world
Like some tiny distortion

3. It Was Always You–Maroon 5

Woke up sweating from a dream
With a different kind of feeling
All day long my heart was beating
Searching for the meaning

4. Love Runs Out–OneRepublic

I’ll be your light, your match, your burning sun,
I’ll be the bright, in black that’s makin’ you run.

5. This One Has Flown–Sam Martin

This one is gone
This one has flown
I have lost something pure..

6. Battle Cry–Imagine Dragons

Stars are only visible in darkness
Fear is ever-changing and evolving
And I, I can poison these eyes
But I, I feel so alive
Nobody can save you now
The king is crowned
It’s do or die
Nobody can save me now
The only sound
Is the battle cry

How to Understand Your INFJ: Part 1

This couldn’t be more true!

INFJ Blog

3135087774_f3fa09289f_z

1. Accept that you will never really understand your INFJ. If it were possible for anyone to 100% understand any INFJ, an INFJ would have wrote a book on it by now. But the truth is, even we INFJs can’t completely understand ourselves, so we don’t expect you to. But we can tell when you’re trying, and that means a lot.

2. Listen to what your INFJ is not saying. You know the quote that goes something like “the quietest people have the loudest minds”? That is very true of INFJs. The quieter we are, the more we probably have on our minds. We want friends and partners who understand that and will want to talk to us about it, and more importantly, listen.

3. Know that INFJs really aren’t that serious. Yes, we have a lot on our minds. Yes, we can be sensitive. Yes, we like to partake…

View original post 430 more words