My Shadow

It lurks and it waits,  in the depths of my soul.
My shadow, my darkness, that I’ve failed to control.
It wraps cold arms around me, so tightly I can’t breathe.
It’s waves crash violently, where I’m left to drown underneath.
I struggle and I fight until I finally break free;
I run fast and far, toward who I wish I could be.
No matter where I run, no matter where I hide,
The darkness always finds me there, and seeps right back inside.
It reminds me in whispers of my failures and my flaws,
It devours my joy and peace with it’s hungry, angry jaws.
“This wouldn’t happen,” it says, “If you weren’t so pathetic and weak.”
“If only you were smart and strong, instead of such a freak.”
My shadow comes like a raging storm in the night,
When I least expect it, when I’m too weak to fight.
It’s the volcano of rage that erupts when I fail.
It’s the speeding train of anxiety going off the rails.
It’s the wall of stone that I can never break through.
It’s the list of mistakes that I cannot undo.
It lurks and it waits, in the depths of my soul.
My shadow, my darkness, that I’ve failed to control.

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INFJs: What are your hobbies?

I am curious what other INFJs like to do for fun!  Here are my favorite things to do:

1. Writing…obviously. lol
2. Sketching.  Not that I’m any good at it, but I enjoy it nonetheless.
3. Gardening.  Veggies and flowers.  I love cooking with food I just picked from my own garden!  I like canning my veggies, as well.
4. Archery.  I am actually not bad!
5. Music.  I love listening to music..allll the time.  I can’t do chores without it.
6. Walking/running outdoors.  I like to be outside and smell the flowers and soak up the sun.  And getting out to walk or run daily keeps me healthy.
7. Photography/scrap booking.  Not professional, just with my phone.  If I see something pretty, I have to take a picture.  If my son does something adorable, I have to take a million more.  I like having the memories captured in a photo to look at later.  I make scrap books out of all of them, and they come out pretty darn good!

Your turn!  🙂

INFJ Songs of the Week

1. Hey Now (Arty Remix)–London Grammer

Hey now, letters burning by my bed for you
Hey now, I can feel my instincts here for you, hey now

2. Lifespan–Vaults

Oh, you took what you wanted to take
And yet you never wanted nothing from me

3. Hunger of the Pine–Alt J

Sleeplessly embracing
Yawn yearns into me
Plenty more tears in the sea
And so you finally use it
Bedding with me you see at night
Your heart wears knight armour

4. Ancient Light–Allman Brown

Love is all that’s left to lose…
Lost, lost, but not alone anymore…
This ancient light.

5. Let it Go–James Bay

I used to recognize myself;
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else.
I think it’s time to walk away….
Everything that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze.
Why don’t you be you
AND I’LL BE ME

6. U-Dreams–Young Liars

Dreams change right under your feet
While sitting in the dark
I whispered to myself, “I don’t want them anymore..”

Progress.

Session three of therapy today.  It’s getting a little easier as far as talking to a complete stranger about my problems goes.  I find it hard to sleep on therapy nights; so much crap from my past gets dredged up and keeps my mind too busy to sleep.  I have a lot of nightmares since starting therapy, as well.  My subconscious is trying to work through it all, but is showing signs of progress as it turns out.

I dreamed that I went to see my mom for the first time in years.  And it took guts.  But I went for it.  Things immediately went downhill.  There was no “Hi, how are you?”  She went straight into trying to destroy my marriage.  She reported domestic abuse that didn’t even happen to the cops.  She hadn’t seen me or my husband in years, she knew NOTHING about us and then pulls this stunt.  She took my phone and tried to cut me off from my own husband.  Now me and my kid were under her roof, under her control and manipulation, just like she wanted.  I let it happen before in real life, but this dream had a different ending.  I saw through her manipulation this time.  And I fought back.  I let her have it.  In a blind rage, I screamed at her and blamed her for divorcing my dad, amongst many other things.  I then took my phone back and called my husband to pick us up and leave immediately.

My subconscious is taking my past, and mixing it with my present.  It’s telling me that I don’t have to take shit from anyone, not even my own family.  I have a mind of my own, now.  Something I’m just discovering, sadly.  I have been manipulated and controlled my whole life.  But it ends here and now. 

I have a lot of work ahead of me, though.  I also learned today that I am really mean to myself.  I was instructed to try positive affirmations and to be more aware of my inner dialogue and thought process.  I need to change the channel when those self-hating thoughts rear their ugly heads.  I have always been a perfectionist and really hard on myself, so this will be a huge undertaking to say the least.  My INFJ personality type is kind of notorious for being their own worst critic, so I’m actually rewiring my brain here.  It’s overwhelming.   I need to take this one step at a time, which presents another challenge: INFJs are forward thinkers, but this requires me to be in the moment…hmmm.

Thoughts About Thinking

Very insightful INFJ post! 🙂

I Love To Go A Gardening

Nothing is common Everything is beautiful, but not everyone sees it.

I am almost never bored because I think that even the most common things are interesting to me. I think stories about every day life are fascinating because they give glimpses into how people live. I also am grateful to those who write stories or diaries about their lives because they give future generations a glimpse into how life used to be. I have a treasured memory of EJ and me visiting an older couple from our church–years ago, before JJ was born.  We sat on the large wraparound porch sipping lemonade on a hot summer day as the elderly man described how, back when he was young, his family would have to stop to patch the tires on their car every few miles on their way to town because, back then, tires weren’t so good and “blew” easily. How interesting! Family…

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The Difference Between You and I

You…

You’re the boat no one dares to rock.

You’re the nails digging into my skin refusing to let go.

You’re the fragile glued-together vase that no one wants to break.

You’re the virus glitching out my brain.

You’re the travel agent giving away free guilt trips.

You’re the voice whispering behind my back.

You’re the projector and I am the screen.

You’re the judge and the jury of my life.

You’re the loud voice drowning out my own.

You’re the tornado tearing through my life.

 

But I…

I am a boat built to handle every wave that threatens to drown me.

I am ripped from your desperate grasp now.

I am a vase made of steel instead of glass.

I am scanning my brain and deleting the viruses.

I am no longer packing my bags and accepting your tickets to the guilt trip.

I don’t hear the whispering anymore because you’ve pushed me so far away.

I am no longer a screen to project your delusions on; I’m a freaking mirror sending it all right back to you.

I am not on trial and you are not my judge and jury.

I’m making my own voice heard now.

I built a fortress around everything I love so no tornado can destroy it.  Never again.