Alien

INFJ’s often feel like aliens. We are rare, misunderstood, and there are so many things in this world that we simply don’t relate to. We are idealists. We see the world for what it could, and should, be. The reality of it is quite disappointing. We see and feel things that most do not, only adding to our inner loneliness. The Se function is very weak for us, causing a disconnect between our minds and the physical world around us, including our bodies. I have been feeling especially “alien” lately, which inspired me to write what that feels like:

I am an alien trapped in a human body on a planet they call “Earth.” I do not feel connected to this extremely limited body. I don’t even know why I am here. I am so different from the rest of them in every possible way. I am alone, and I am frustrated. I just want to go home.
On my planet, we can communicate without words getting in the way; we literally feel each other’s joys and sorrows, and we understand without a single word. In this world, non-verbal forms of communication between beings doesn’t exist. You must string just the right words together in just the right way in a to explain how you feel, and even then, others do not understand. After all, my native language is not of this world; I have to translate my thoughts into their language, and sometimes I just can’t. Their words aren’t always enough.
On my planet, we have wings– to fly, to soar; there are no limitations or physical boundaries. Walls, canyons, mountains, are not obstacles. In this world, I have feet and legs. Moving forward requires putting one foot in front of the other. It is tedious, tiring, and takes too long. There are boundaries and obstacles that I can’t get past without wings. These feet are foreign to me, and I trip over them all of the time. I get teased a lot. I am expected to do physical activities, and to do them well. But this body is strange to me, and I can’t make it do those things. They explain how, but I still can’t make my body cooperate. So they give up, believing me to be stupid. I get so frustrated, because I am not stupid, and I am capable of so much more. I want so badly to fly, but I am trapped in a body that will not let me. If they could only see me fly, they wouldn’t laugh anymore–They could see me for who I really am.
In my world, there is freedom instead of judgement. We see souls instead of bodies. Small talk doesn’t exist, no one pretends, no one has to hide who they are to be accepted. The masks humans use are not necessary in my world. Our physical appearance is of no importance. There is genuine concern for others, helping hands at every turn, immense compassion, and love is what really matters. In this world, it is every man for himself. Masks must be worn every day, because you are judged for everything here, even what you look like. Importance is placed on the superficial, not on love. There is very little empathy or compassion. If you let your mask slip and show how you feel, it is not acceptable. Any human that expresses emotion is criticized for being weak, dramatic, and over sensitive. I learned the this painful lesson the hard way.
Most humans don’t even bother talking to each other; they are like zombies with smart phones. They don’t even see the people next to them until it is too late. They completely miss out on deep connections with one another, and they are lonely. They spend astounding amounts of money and time on their appearances, trying to live up to the ridiculous standards set forth for them. They don’t realize what my planet has always known: your body is merely a shell–It’s what’s inside the shell that matters. They are all in pain, but suffer alone in silence until they die. There is a void inside all of them, a void they struggle to fill with all the wrong things. Even with their beauty and their money, they are broken and empty. They miss out on each other because they are too busy ignoring, judging or hurting each other. They lie, cheat, kill and steal. There is destruction everywhere, and they bring it on themselves. It is excruciatingly hard to watch.
I can feel their pain as if it were my own. My heart breaks for them, and sometimes it’s too much to bear. I cry for them when they aren’t looking, and I cry because I want to go home where I am accepted. I don’t know why I am here; I am nothing like them, and I do not possess the talents or skills that they value. I feel worthless in this world, where everything I am is not accepted or even seen. I may look like them in this human body, but I don’t think or see like they do. I want to give up, to just go home and never look back. This world and the people in it drain me until there is nothing left.
However, I have grown to love humans deeply. They will forever see me as stupid and weird, because my body won’t allow me to talk and move as effortlessly as they do. They think it strange that I feel so much, and that I actually care how they feel. They may never see me as I truly am, yet I can see them so much clearer than they see themselves. It is new to them, to have someone care about them and their stories…to feel accepted without their masks, instead of judged and hurt. I can make them feel love instead of misery, because I, too, know what it is to be judged, criticized, and unaccepted. Maybe that’s why I am here: to teach them how to fly.

einstein understand

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INFJ Songs of the Week

1. “Inferno”-Sir Sly (I just downloaded the whole album and I loooove it all!)
“I think you clipped my wings to save me from the sun…I drove to hell and back to try to find my place.”

2. “High”-Young Rising Sons
“Without the low, there ain’t a high.  Just let it go, enjoy the ride.”

3. “Dangerous”-David Guetta
“Show me your soul
I gotta know
Bet that you’re beautiful inside
Toes on the glass
Car moving fast
Come take the wheel and drive”

4. “In Your Arms”-Nico and Vinz
“They tried to break me down
But I’m still on my feet
This city’s full of life
So why is it hard to breathe
Oh why did God create this world so unfair
I don’t know
Sometimes I feel like I can’t run, I can’t crawl
And sometimes I feel like I ain’t nothing at all
Life is a journey where you stumble and fall
But I’m okay
When I lie down in your arms”

5. “I Bet My Life”-Imagine Dragons
“I know I took the path that you would never want for me
I know I let you down, didn’t I?”

The One Lovely Blog Award

A huge thank you to INFJ Ramblings and Marrissa for nominating my blog for this award!  I am honored!

7 Facts About Me:
1. I love bulldogs, and have 2 of them.
2. When I’m alone, I enjoy listening to music while I sketch or write.
3. I used to work in the dental field before I had my son.
4. I have a toddler that keeps me very busy, tired, entertained and he makes me feel like the luckiest mom in the world.
5. According to most personality sites, my ISTP husband and I are a terrible match.  But I disagree.  🙂  He is pretty awesome!
6. Inconsiderate people annoy me more than anything in this world.
7.  I feel like I was born in the wrong era sometimes; society has gone so downhill that I find myself thinking: “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

I will nominate everyone on their personal blogs, since I have no idea how to tag people in my posts.  I’m still learning how this wordpress thing works.  😛

Thank the person who nominated you for the award.
Add the One Lovely Blog logo to your post.
Share 7 facts or things about yourself.
Nominate 15 or more bloggers you admire and inform the nominees by commenting on their blog.

The Explanation/Manipulation Trap

I am realizing that I don’t owe anyone any kind of explanation for the way I live my life.  That is between me and God.  I am a grown woman who does NOT have to answer to mommy and daddy anymore.  I will not let anyone trap me into explaining every move.  I have a family, and my husband and son come first.  This realization is so unbelievably freeing.  I can live my life, without the stress of “what will other people think” and “how am I going to explain this?”   My decision making process just got a lot easier:  Is it congruent with my faith/morals/ values?  Is it the best thing for me and my family?  End of story.  I don’t require approval from anyone.  I am letting go of that.

Manipulative people demand explanations as a way of-you guessed it-manipulating.  It’s a trap.  They demand an explanation, making you feel guilty and like you owe them, “after everything they’ve done for you.”  Then, you unknowingly take the bait; you explain yourself and defend your decisions/actions.  You talk in circles in a desperate attempt to make them understand.  If they understand, they won’t be upset and see you as a disappointment.   All will be well in the world again; after all, you hate conflict.  Once you’ve made your case, the manipulator swoops in like a vulture to a wounded animal.  Before you know it, your words have been twisted around to fit the manipulator’s agenda.  They use your explanation to argue why THEIR way is better, why yours is flawed.  They turn the whole situation around until the finger of blame is pointed at you.  They know just what buttons to push and just what to say to get to you.  And oh, are they convincing!  The more they talk, the more you start feeling guilty, and wrong.  You think to yourself, “Hmm, they make a good point.  I never thought of it like that before.”  You immediately second-guess your original decision, which felt so right before.  There was no doubt in your mind, until your friendly neighborhood manipulating vulture swooped in to eat you alive.  Just like that, the shady smooth-talking salesman is laughing all the way to the bank and you have officially been mind-fucked and sold a piece of shit car.

Just like vultures, manipulators sense weakness and prey on it.  Do they see a wounded animal and rush to it’s aid?  No.  They devour it, because they have an emptiness inside that they’re driven to fill by whatever means necessary.  And that shady car salesman doesn’t care about you either; He pretends to be your best friend, until he rips you off and has your life savings lining his pockets.

The common denominator here is this: manipulation is not about you, it’s about THEM.  It’s what can THEY get, it’s what THEY want, and you are just a means to THEIR end.  But you don’t have to be.  Stand up to the vultures, and don’t give all your money to that greedy salesman.  Take control of your life, your choices and your mind.  If you don’t, they will.  You do not owe anyone an explanation.  Don’t give mental and emotional abusers that kind of foothold in your life.   You should never have to give up who you are to complete someone else.  Their incompleteness and insecurities are NOT your responsibility.  I am responsible for my own happiness.

INFJ Songs of the Week

1. Hey Now (Arty Remix)–London Grammer

Hey now, letters burning by my bed for you
Hey now, I can feel my instincts here for you, hey now

2. Lifespan–Vaults

Oh, you took what you wanted to take
And yet you never wanted nothing from me

3. Hunger of the Pine–Alt J

Sleeplessly embracing
Yawn yearns into me
Plenty more tears in the sea
And so you finally use it
Bedding with me you see at night
Your heart wears knight armour

4. Ancient Light–Allman Brown

Love is all that’s left to lose…
Lost, lost, but not alone anymore…
This ancient light.

5. Let it Go–James Bay

I used to recognize myself;
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else.
I think it’s time to walk away….
Everything that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze.
Why don’t you be you
AND I’LL BE ME

6. U-Dreams–Young Liars

Dreams change right under your feet
While sitting in the dark
I whispered to myself, “I don’t want them anymore..”

My Fascination with Dreams and the Subconcious

poe

I’ve had very vivid dreams for as long as I can remember.  My imagination goes crazy at night, and this dark, twisted side of my subconscious emerges. I have had nightmares that would put Stephen King to shame.  I’ve dreamed about my own funeral, finding bodies under my bed, nightmares about mental hospitals, butcher shops and people I love dying; I dreamed that my son was dropped on his head on a sidewalk when he was a newborn (I was utterly devastated, and had to go check on him before I could even think about going back to bed)!  I’ve had countless dreams of tornados and plane crashes (all of which I’ve survived), dreams where I am in murky water surrounded by snakes & alligators, or that I’m in an ocean with huge waves where I am desperately trying to save my son, or I’m watching a horrible accident unfold right in front of me and I am helpless to stop it.   It is so real when I dream, I actually believe it’s happening.  It can be quite terrifying; I sometimes wake up hyperventilating, crying, sweating, and so very confused. Sometimes I almost scream in my sleep and wake my husband up (which says a lot, since he sleeps through anything)!

I have experienced a strange state of deep sleep/consciousness where I literally couldn’t take a breath-my brain told my body to breathe, but my body refused.  I was completely paralyzed-I couldn’t move a single muscle, breathe or even make a sound.  I  started suffocating; as if my mind, body and soul had completely disconnected. I was wide awake on the inside, but my body felt almost dead.  I remember laying there in my bed, only a teenager, honestly thinking, “this is it..I’m dying in my sleep right here, right now.”  No matter how loud my mind screamed at my lungs to breathe, they just wouldn’t do it.  I reached a point where I wasn’t even scared anymore-I just accepted what was happening.  Suddenly, my lungs gasped for breath!  I was so relieved.  It’s happened a few times since, and its always horrifying.

I still have a lot of nightmares, but not always.  I have had a handful of amazing dreams where I can fly, or talk to loved ones that have passed.  Most of the time my dreams are kind of dark, but it doesn’t bother me so much anymore. Maybe I have learned to embrace them instead of fear them, I don’t know.  I have dreams that predict the future, dreams that are so spiritual that I can’t shake the feeling they were more than just a dream, and some that are an entertaining mish-mash of my waking life.

I have been greatly intrigued by dreams since childhood…always seeking their meaning.  It is like tapping into a part of myself that I cannot access while awake.  It is so fascinating!  It’s a whole different side of me that I can’t access at will-I have to wait until it feels like revealing itself.  I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have full access to my subconscious, to unearth everything hidden away in there, see the repressed memories, and experience it’s uninhibited, limitless imagination while awake.  Does it hold the key to who I really am?  What could my subconscious teach me?  Would I have a greater understanding of myself and the world? Or would it be too overwhelming, too dark, and much more than I can handle?  I may never know.

I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.  INFJs, do you all have vivid dreams as well?

You Know You’re An INFJ When…

-You suffer from “emotional sponge syndrome.”  You literally soak up the emotions of everyone around you, like it or not.

-You can easily help others figure out their problems, but figuring out your own is another ballgame.

-You are really proud of yourself when you get through small talk without being awkward.

-You HATE talking on the phone.  You procrastinate if you have to call someone, and practice what you will say beforehand.

-You pretend things don’t bother you when they really do.  You put on your poker face, because being called “over sensitive” and “dramatic” just adds insult to injury.

-You sound like a bumbling idiot when you try to verbalize your own emotions.  It always makes things worse, so you realize that you’re better off keeping your mouth shut.

-You know what it is to feel completely misunderstood and totally alone in a room full of people.

-You get frustrated at how shallow, selfish and insensitive everyone around you can be.  You wouldn’t dream of treating them the way they treat you.  

-Your own feelings can be pretty intense.  You tend to downplay just how intense they really are, for fear of scaring people.  You find yourself only sharing the parts of yourself that they can handle and nothing more.

-You see so much potential in the people close to you.  And it kills you to see them refusing to live up to it.

-While others merely look, you SEE.  When they can only listen, you truly HEAR.  You feel things that they are completely oblivious to.  It is like you are dancing to beautiful music, but they cannot hear the music.  They think you are the crazy one, but you know better.  It’s like you see the world in 3D and they see it in 2D.  There is so much more there and they are completely blind to it. And it is really frustrating, because they just don’t get it and never will.

-Criticism is a hard pill for you to swallow.  Logically, you know people are genuinely trying to help, but it is impossible to convince your feelings of this.

-You’re lying when you utter the phrase, “I don’t care.”  You always care.  And you kind of hate it.  Maybe if you say you don’t care, and act like you don’t, you can trick yourself into believing it.  But it just never works.

-Conflict makes you want to vomit.  You literally feel physically ill in the pit of your stomach until it’s resolved.

-You trust no one.  If you do, it is a really big deal and it’s limited to a very select few.

-It is blatantly obvious to you when someone lies.  If someone gives you a compliment, you can tell if they really mean it.  You see through fake like it’s glass.

-You notice everything.  You know quite a bit more than you let on.  People would be really surprised at what actually goes on in your head.  

-Some personalities think you are dumb.  You live in your head, not your body.  Your body kind of runs on autopilot, so you tend to be clumsy.  You know a lot, but don’t know how to verbalize it.  You don’t think in logic and facts.  Some people take this as unintelligence, but it could not be further from the truth.

-You have a strong need to make people happy.  If they aren’t happy, you aren’t happy.  You’ve been called a people pleaser on more than one occasion.  Most of the time, you wish so badly you could change this about yourself.  However, those close to you feel loved and taken care of on a whole different level than they experience with other people.

INFJs, feel free to add to the list!  I would love to hear from you!