Progress.

Session three of therapy today.  It’s getting a little easier as far as talking to a complete stranger about my problems goes.  I find it hard to sleep on therapy nights; so much crap from my past gets dredged up and keeps my mind too busy to sleep.  I have a lot of nightmares since starting therapy, as well.  My subconscious is trying to work through it all, but is showing signs of progress as it turns out.

I dreamed that I went to see my mom for the first time in years.  And it took guts.  But I went for it.  Things immediately went downhill.  There was no “Hi, how are you?”  She went straight into trying to destroy my marriage.  She reported domestic abuse that didn’t even happen to the cops.  She hadn’t seen me or my husband in years, she knew NOTHING about us and then pulls this stunt.  She took my phone and tried to cut me off from my own husband.  Now me and my kid were under her roof, under her control and manipulation, just like she wanted.  I let it happen before in real life, but this dream had a different ending.  I saw through her manipulation this time.  And I fought back.  I let her have it.  In a blind rage, I screamed at her and blamed her for divorcing my dad, amongst many other things.  I then took my phone back and called my husband to pick us up and leave immediately.

My subconscious is taking my past, and mixing it with my present.  It’s telling me that I don’t have to take shit from anyone, not even my own family.  I have a mind of my own, now.  Something I’m just discovering, sadly.  I have been manipulated and controlled my whole life.  But it ends here and now. 

I have a lot of work ahead of me, though.  I also learned today that I am really mean to myself.  I was instructed to try positive affirmations and to be more aware of my inner dialogue and thought process.  I need to change the channel when those self-hating thoughts rear their ugly heads.  I have always been a perfectionist and really hard on myself, so this will be a huge undertaking to say the least.  My INFJ personality type is kind of notorious for being their own worst critic, so I’m actually rewiring my brain here.  It’s overwhelming.   I need to take this one step at a time, which presents another challenge: INFJs are forward thinkers, but this requires me to be in the moment…hmmm.

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“You’re the One With the Problem.”

I had a nightmare during my nap just now:

It was raining really hard, and was supposed to stay that way for days.  I’m not even sure where I was; it looked like my house on the inside, but outside was my parent’s house.  My older sister lived next door, and my other 2 sisters lived in the house with my parents.  I’m not sure why we were staying in the same house as my parents, because this would never happen in real life.  But whatever…We weren’t interacting with my parents much, we were all just trying to weather this storm.  The driveway had become a tiny mudslide, and our car was in the middle of it, stuck like chuck.  So there we were. 

We’re all sitting on my couch when a huge, fat black widow skitters across the floor and hides under the other side.  We we all jumped up screaming, and found a brown recluse crawling down the other side of the couch.  We were sitting in the middle of an infestation of deadly spiders.  I was terrifed and suggested we leave.  My younger sister had never moved from the couch, and proceeded to make fun of my spider phobia.  Typical.   Maybe my sister next door would let us stay with her.  I packed our bags and ran outside.  I could see my sister taking laundry off the line on her back porch, with her son in tow.  I went to her fence, and we made eye contact.  Her son, my nephew, didn’t even crack a smile.  They just looked at me, and quickly went back inside, locking the door.  Shutting me out.  I didn’t have a problem with her..not a one.  My mom obviously trashed me to her and made her hate me. 

My son was younger in the dream, around 6 months old or so.   My mom was holding him when she stuck her head out the back door and asked me to help her–she needed something important that was out in the car and she couldn’t carry it.  I snapped out of my shocked daze and followed her, baby and all.   We get to the car, and there is a flat bed trailer next to it.  Mom laid the baby on the trailer, in the rain.  I asked her why she couldn’t bring him inside the car with us while we gathered everything, just to shield him from the heavy rain.  She replied, “sometimes we have to do the best we can for our children, even when it’s hard.”  What?  okaaay…so she opens the car and there are a couple stacks of books piled up, most of them about health because that’s what she is obsessed with.  THAT is what we came out there in the pouring rain to get: books.  I was annoyed.  The rain got heavier, so we grabbed the baby and took shelter in the car.  She read one of her books and I made a card for her from my son.  I may not have the best relationship with her, but I still thought it’d be nice for her and my son to know each other at least.  As I’m writing in the card, she looks over and sees it.  She says, “So we’re writing letters now?  That’s how you want to keep in contact?”  I replied that yes, when we we’re out of there, it would be letters only.  She said, “whatever you want to do.  After all, you’re the one with the problem.”  Followed by a quick change of subject that left me wondering if I’d even heard her right.  Did she really just say that?  It’s so like her to throw some cold-hearted jab in the middle of the conversation and keep talking about something else, like that somehow will  make me forget she even said it.  Like that somehow made it okay.  I was going to get out of the car with the baby and walk back to house in the rain, but I woke up and the dream was over.

According to Dreammoods.com, this is the interpretation:

To see a spider in your dream indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or perhaps you want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power or an overbearing mother figure in your life. Alternatively, a spider refers to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior.

To see a black widow in your dream suggests fear or uncertainty regarding a relationship. You may feel confined, trapped, or suffocated in this relationship.

(What’s interesting is that spiders have been a recurring nightmare for me for as long as I can remember.  hmm..)

To see a trailer in your dream suggests that you are feeling overburdened. You are carry more weight on your shoulders than you need to.

To see books in your dream indicate calmness. You are moving toward your goals at a slow and steady pace. Books also symbolize knowledge, intellect, information and wisdom.

To see mud in your dream suggests that you are involved in a messy and sticky situation. It also suggests that some spiritual cleansing is needed.  To dream that you are walking in mud suggests that you are feeling weighed down by a situation, problem, or relationship. You are feeling frustrated. To dream that mud has gotten on your clothing means that your reputation is being attacked and called into question. Consider the term “mud-slinging” to refer to some politicians. 

interesting.



 

Dreams of the Week

Two of my latest dreams, and my thoughts on them.  If you are good with dream interpretation, feel free to add your 2 cents!

Dream 1:
My husband, son and I had moved to Argentina.  We were happily exploring our new city, and I stumbled across a dance studio (I used to be a ballet dancer and my love of dance is something that pops up in my dreams quite often).  I glanced longingly at the quaint studio, and kept walking, knowing my husband has no interest in such things and would be bored if I stopped.  As if reading my mind, he stopped me right in front of it.  He encouraged me to go in, and I was very taken aback by this.  So I went inside briefly to get more information before we went on our way.  At the end of the shop-lined street, we stopped.  I was holding the baby, and my husband randomly insisted on painting my toenails.  For some reason, he was going out of his way to pamper me that day and I was starting to wonder if he was sick or something.  He pulled out a paint brush, the kind you’d use to paint a house, and red nail polish.  “How on earth is he going to do a decent job of painting my toe nails with that big ol’ thing?” I wondered to myself.  (Oddly enough, in the dream it never occurred to me how strange it was that he’d paint my nails right there on the street like that).  Next thing I know, I am looking down at my toes, and he couldn’t have done a more perfect job.  It looked like I had just walked out of a nail salon.  I was pleasantly surprised, and quite impressed.  He stood in front of me and said, “I found a house for us, but it’s small.  I am so afraid you will leave me if you don’t like the house.”  He looked genuinely worried.  I was shocked at his admission, as that thought had never even occurred to me.  As a matter of fact, it could not have been more opposite of how I felt.  He was so worried he was almost in tears!  I took his hand and said, “As long as the three of us are together, I am home.”  I could almost see the burden lifting off his shoulders.  With our son on my hip, we continued on our walk, and into our new life together in a strange city. 

—-Funny thing is, this dream predicted future events, and I had no idea until those events occurred.  We had a similar conversation a few days after this dream.  I have had multiple dreams that have predicted the future, but I never know it until the thing actually happens in real life.  I dreamed about a plane crash once, and saw the exact same plane crash on the news days later.  It was like deja vu.  I had watched the news thinking, “Where have I seen this before?” and then it hit me:  my dreams predicted it.  It is a very eerie feeling. My dreams have also predicted that I was pregnant before I had any clue, and that my baby was going to be a boy.—

Dream 2:
I am sitting on the couch watching Netflix, when my stomach starts to feel funny.  I blew it off as something I ate not agreeing with me, and this is what I told my husband, who was sitting next to me.  But then I could see my stomach move.  Was my dinner literally fighting back? The movement got stronger, and I suddenly knew exactly what it was: a baby.  I was pregnant and had no idea until that very moment.  How on earth had I gone that long without noticing?  I was completely shocked.  My mind was reeling with all the things I should and shouldn’t have been doing all of this time.  I remained calm, and didn’t say anything to my husband.  I wanted to take a test first, just to be sure.  So I did–positive.  I felt sick.  I was so afraid of his reaction.  We had just talked about waiting to have a second baby, and I did not feel ready for another one just yet.  How would we afford this?  I approached him to give him the news, and the dream ended before I could.  I woke up with my hands across my belly, like I had been feeling the baby move.  I had to remind myself for a few minutes that it was just a dream before I could go back to sleep.

A good friend of mine is pregnant with her second, and the day before this dream, she had been telling me about feeling the baby moving.  As much as I would love to have a second child, my husband and I both would rather wait until our son is a little older.  Thankfully, this dream did NOT predict the future.  🙂  I do miss being pregnant and having a newborn, since my son is one now.  I am guessing this dream is my mind’s way of sorting out my mixed feelings on this.  I have so many friends that are expecting at the moment, so it’s no wonder it has been on my mind.—

My Fascination with Dreams and the Subconcious

poe

I’ve had very vivid dreams for as long as I can remember.  My imagination goes crazy at night, and this dark, twisted side of my subconscious emerges. I have had nightmares that would put Stephen King to shame.  I’ve dreamed about my own funeral, finding bodies under my bed, nightmares about mental hospitals, butcher shops and people I love dying; I dreamed that my son was dropped on his head on a sidewalk when he was a newborn (I was utterly devastated, and had to go check on him before I could even think about going back to bed)!  I’ve had countless dreams of tornados and plane crashes (all of which I’ve survived), dreams where I am in murky water surrounded by snakes & alligators, or that I’m in an ocean with huge waves where I am desperately trying to save my son, or I’m watching a horrible accident unfold right in front of me and I am helpless to stop it.   It is so real when I dream, I actually believe it’s happening.  It can be quite terrifying; I sometimes wake up hyperventilating, crying, sweating, and so very confused. Sometimes I almost scream in my sleep and wake my husband up (which says a lot, since he sleeps through anything)!

I have experienced a strange state of deep sleep/consciousness where I literally couldn’t take a breath-my brain told my body to breathe, but my body refused.  I was completely paralyzed-I couldn’t move a single muscle, breathe or even make a sound.  I  started suffocating; as if my mind, body and soul had completely disconnected. I was wide awake on the inside, but my body felt almost dead.  I remember laying there in my bed, only a teenager, honestly thinking, “this is it..I’m dying in my sleep right here, right now.”  No matter how loud my mind screamed at my lungs to breathe, they just wouldn’t do it.  I reached a point where I wasn’t even scared anymore-I just accepted what was happening.  Suddenly, my lungs gasped for breath!  I was so relieved.  It’s happened a few times since, and its always horrifying.

I still have a lot of nightmares, but not always.  I have had a handful of amazing dreams where I can fly, or talk to loved ones that have passed.  Most of the time my dreams are kind of dark, but it doesn’t bother me so much anymore. Maybe I have learned to embrace them instead of fear them, I don’t know.  I have dreams that predict the future, dreams that are so spiritual that I can’t shake the feeling they were more than just a dream, and some that are an entertaining mish-mash of my waking life.

I have been greatly intrigued by dreams since childhood…always seeking their meaning.  It is like tapping into a part of myself that I cannot access while awake.  It is so fascinating!  It’s a whole different side of me that I can’t access at will-I have to wait until it feels like revealing itself.  I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have full access to my subconscious, to unearth everything hidden away in there, see the repressed memories, and experience it’s uninhibited, limitless imagination while awake.  Does it hold the key to who I really am?  What could my subconscious teach me?  Would I have a greater understanding of myself and the world? Or would it be too overwhelming, too dark, and much more than I can handle?  I may never know.

I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.  INFJs, do you all have vivid dreams as well?