Alien

INFJ’s often feel like aliens. We are rare, misunderstood, and there are so many things in this world that we simply don’t relate to. We are idealists. We see the world for what it could, and should, be. The reality of it is quite disappointing. We see and feel things that most do not, only adding to our inner loneliness. The Se function is very weak for us, causing a disconnect between our minds and the physical world around us, including our bodies. I have been feeling especially “alien” lately, which inspired me to write what that feels like:

I am an alien trapped in a human body on a planet they call “Earth.” I do not feel connected to this extremely limited body. I don’t even know why I am here. I am so different from the rest of them in every possible way. I am alone, and I am frustrated. I just want to go home.
On my planet, we can communicate without words getting in the way; we literally feel each other’s joys and sorrows, and we understand without a single word. In this world, non-verbal forms of communication between beings doesn’t exist. You must string just the right words together in just the right way in a to explain how you feel, and even then, others do not understand. After all, my native language is not of this world; I have to translate my thoughts into their language, and sometimes I just can’t. Their words aren’t always enough.
On my planet, we have wings– to fly, to soar; there are no limitations or physical boundaries. Walls, canyons, mountains, are not obstacles. In this world, I have feet and legs. Moving forward requires putting one foot in front of the other. It is tedious, tiring, and takes too long. There are boundaries and obstacles that I can’t get past without wings. These feet are foreign to me, and I trip over them all of the time. I get teased a lot. I am expected to do physical activities, and to do them well. But this body is strange to me, and I can’t make it do those things. They explain how, but I still can’t make my body cooperate. So they give up, believing me to be stupid. I get so frustrated, because I am not stupid, and I am capable of so much more. I want so badly to fly, but I am trapped in a body that will not let me. If they could only see me fly, they wouldn’t laugh anymore–They could see me for who I really am.
In my world, there is freedom instead of judgement. We see souls instead of bodies. Small talk doesn’t exist, no one pretends, no one has to hide who they are to be accepted. The masks humans use are not necessary in my world. Our physical appearance is of no importance. There is genuine concern for others, helping hands at every turn, immense compassion, and love is what really matters. In this world, it is every man for himself. Masks must be worn every day, because you are judged for everything here, even what you look like. Importance is placed on the superficial, not on love. There is very little empathy or compassion. If you let your mask slip and show how you feel, it is not acceptable. Any human that expresses emotion is criticized for being weak, dramatic, and over sensitive. I learned the this painful lesson the hard way.
Most humans don’t even bother talking to each other; they are like zombies with smart phones. They don’t even see the people next to them until it is too late. They completely miss out on deep connections with one another, and they are lonely. They spend astounding amounts of money and time on their appearances, trying to live up to the ridiculous standards set forth for them. They don’t realize what my planet has always known: your body is merely a shell–It’s what’s inside the shell that matters. They are all in pain, but suffer alone in silence until they die. There is a void inside all of them, a void they struggle to fill with all the wrong things. Even with their beauty and their money, they are broken and empty. They miss out on each other because they are too busy ignoring, judging or hurting each other. They lie, cheat, kill and steal. There is destruction everywhere, and they bring it on themselves. It is excruciatingly hard to watch.
I can feel their pain as if it were my own. My heart breaks for them, and sometimes it’s too much to bear. I cry for them when they aren’t looking, and I cry because I want to go home where I am accepted. I don’t know why I am here; I am nothing like them, and I do not possess the talents or skills that they value. I feel worthless in this world, where everything I am is not accepted or even seen. I may look like them in this human body, but I don’t think or see like they do. I want to give up, to just go home and never look back. This world and the people in it drain me until there is nothing left.
However, I have grown to love humans deeply. They will forever see me as stupid and weird, because my body won’t allow me to talk and move as effortlessly as they do. They think it strange that I feel so much, and that I actually care how they feel. They may never see me as I truly am, yet I can see them so much clearer than they see themselves. It is new to them, to have someone care about them and their stories…to feel accepted without their masks, instead of judged and hurt. I can make them feel love instead of misery, because I, too, know what it is to be judged, criticized, and unaccepted. Maybe that’s why I am here: to teach them how to fly.

einstein understand

Feelings Aren’t All Bad, and Sensitivity Doesn’t Make Me Weak.

“Don’t be so sensitive” they say, “don’t be dramatic!”  Words I am sick to death of hearing.  The world has bought into the lie that sensitivity, feelings, emotions, are all a bad thing.  We must all bury these things deep inside, and never reveal them, because they are frowned upon.  Emotions are part of what makes us human.  Therefore, being human is frowned upon.  Being real in a sea of fake is unacceptable.  They roll their eyes at you, tell you to man up, and dismiss you.

This gives the assholes of the world an advantage; they can be as a big of an asshole as they want, and your reaction is NOT their problem.  When they purposely hurt you, they do not have to take responsibility for that.  They tell you that you’re being “too sensitive,”  placing the blame on you instead.  They feel like their actions have no consequences, so long as they have a scape goat to shift the blame to.  Except they are wrong; there are consequences.  Only it will be too late when they are forced to face them.  These are the people that burn their own bridges, yet they laugh at the bridge for burning like it’s the bridge’s fault.  They trample the hearts of anyone who ever cared about them, yet they’re to blame for having a heart.  They will get to the end of their rope someday, and when they do, they will turn around.  They will search desperately for a bridge to lead them back, only to find them all burned and gone.  They will search for the ones they love, but they are nowhere to be found.  They got tired of their shit and walked a long time ago.  And the only one to blame will be themselves, because there is nothing and no one else left to pin it on.  Being an insensitive jerk doesn’t get you far in the end.  You might get to the top by stepping on everyone else on the way up, but you will be completely and utterly alone when you get there.

By being a sensitive soul, you get blamed and trampled by the world’s assholes constantly.  You are seen as “weak” and taken advantage of.  People hurt you deeply, but that sensitivity allows you to turn that blood into beautiful art.  You take the stones people throw at you and build with them.  You see what they don’t see: what matters.  You might cry harder, and hurt more, but you also love deeper and experience life to the fullest.  Society has it all wrong when they tell us feelings are bad.  Not all feelings are bad ones; love, joy, peace, gratitude, compassion, empathy and contentment are all pretty amazing if you ask me.

I would rather connect deeply with people than trample them.  I would rather be the one who gets hurt than the one who does the hurting.  I would rather be filled with love and compassion than fear and hate.  I may feel pain deeply, but I also feel the joys of my life deeply.  And that makes the pain worth it.

The ones who bury their emotions and ignore them, have a really hard time when they are forced to actually feel them.  They are not used to feeling like we are are.  It’s like a muscle: the more you use it, the stronger it gets.  If it goes unused, it atrophies.  And they say we are the weak ones.

sensitivereaction

INFJ Songs of the Week

1. “Inferno”-Sir Sly (I just downloaded the whole album and I loooove it all!)
“I think you clipped my wings to save me from the sun…I drove to hell and back to try to find my place.”

2. “High”-Young Rising Sons
“Without the low, there ain’t a high.  Just let it go, enjoy the ride.”

3. “Dangerous”-David Guetta
“Show me your soul
I gotta know
Bet that you’re beautiful inside
Toes on the glass
Car moving fast
Come take the wheel and drive”

4. “In Your Arms”-Nico and Vinz
“They tried to break me down
But I’m still on my feet
This city’s full of life
So why is it hard to breathe
Oh why did God create this world so unfair
I don’t know
Sometimes I feel like I can’t run, I can’t crawl
And sometimes I feel like I ain’t nothing at all
Life is a journey where you stumble and fall
But I’m okay
When I lie down in your arms”

5. “I Bet My Life”-Imagine Dragons
“I know I took the path that you would never want for me
I know I let you down, didn’t I?”

The Explanation/Manipulation Trap

I am realizing that I don’t owe anyone any kind of explanation for the way I live my life.  That is between me and God.  I am a grown woman who does NOT have to answer to mommy and daddy anymore.  I will not let anyone trap me into explaining every move.  I have a family, and my husband and son come first.  This realization is so unbelievably freeing.  I can live my life, without the stress of “what will other people think” and “how am I going to explain this?”   My decision making process just got a lot easier:  Is it congruent with my faith/morals/ values?  Is it the best thing for me and my family?  End of story.  I don’t require approval from anyone.  I am letting go of that.

Manipulative people demand explanations as a way of-you guessed it-manipulating.  It’s a trap.  They demand an explanation, making you feel guilty and like you owe them, “after everything they’ve done for you.”  Then, you unknowingly take the bait; you explain yourself and defend your decisions/actions.  You talk in circles in a desperate attempt to make them understand.  If they understand, they won’t be upset and see you as a disappointment.   All will be well in the world again; after all, you hate conflict.  Once you’ve made your case, the manipulator swoops in like a vulture to a wounded animal.  Before you know it, your words have been twisted around to fit the manipulator’s agenda.  They use your explanation to argue why THEIR way is better, why yours is flawed.  They turn the whole situation around until the finger of blame is pointed at you.  They know just what buttons to push and just what to say to get to you.  And oh, are they convincing!  The more they talk, the more you start feeling guilty, and wrong.  You think to yourself, “Hmm, they make a good point.  I never thought of it like that before.”  You immediately second-guess your original decision, which felt so right before.  There was no doubt in your mind, until your friendly neighborhood manipulating vulture swooped in to eat you alive.  Just like that, the shady smooth-talking salesman is laughing all the way to the bank and you have officially been mind-fucked and sold a piece of shit car.

Just like vultures, manipulators sense weakness and prey on it.  Do they see a wounded animal and rush to it’s aid?  No.  They devour it, because they have an emptiness inside that they’re driven to fill by whatever means necessary.  And that shady car salesman doesn’t care about you either; He pretends to be your best friend, until he rips you off and has your life savings lining his pockets.

The common denominator here is this: manipulation is not about you, it’s about THEM.  It’s what can THEY get, it’s what THEY want, and you are just a means to THEIR end.  But you don’t have to be.  Stand up to the vultures, and don’t give all your money to that greedy salesman.  Take control of your life, your choices and your mind.  If you don’t, they will.  You do not owe anyone an explanation.  Don’t give mental and emotional abusers that kind of foothold in your life.   You should never have to give up who you are to complete someone else.  Their incompleteness and insecurities are NOT your responsibility.  I am responsible for my own happiness.

My Shadow

It lurks and it waits,  in the depths of my soul.
My shadow, my darkness, that I’ve failed to control.
It wraps cold arms around me, so tightly I can’t breathe.
It’s waves crash violently, where I’m left to drown underneath.
I struggle and I fight until I finally break free;
I run fast and far, toward who I wish I could be.
No matter where I run, no matter where I hide,
The darkness always finds me there, and seeps right back inside.
It reminds me in whispers of my failures and my flaws,
It devours my joy and peace with it’s hungry, angry jaws.
“This wouldn’t happen,” it says, “If you weren’t so pathetic and weak.”
“If only you were smart and strong, instead of such a freak.”
My shadow comes like a raging storm in the night,
When I least expect it, when I’m too weak to fight.
It’s the volcano of rage that erupts when I fail.
It’s the speeding train of anxiety going off the rails.
It’s the wall of stone that I can never break through.
It’s the list of mistakes that I cannot undo.
It lurks and it waits, in the depths of my soul.
My shadow, my darkness, that I’ve failed to control.

INFJ Songs of the Week

1. Hey Now (Arty Remix)–London Grammer

Hey now, letters burning by my bed for you
Hey now, I can feel my instincts here for you, hey now

2. Lifespan–Vaults

Oh, you took what you wanted to take
And yet you never wanted nothing from me

3. Hunger of the Pine–Alt J

Sleeplessly embracing
Yawn yearns into me
Plenty more tears in the sea
And so you finally use it
Bedding with me you see at night
Your heart wears knight armour

4. Ancient Light–Allman Brown

Love is all that’s left to lose…
Lost, lost, but not alone anymore…
This ancient light.

5. Let it Go–James Bay

I used to recognize myself;
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else.
I think it’s time to walk away….
Everything that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze.
Why don’t you be you
AND I’LL BE ME

6. U-Dreams–Young Liars

Dreams change right under your feet
While sitting in the dark
I whispered to myself, “I don’t want them anymore..”

Progress.

Session three of therapy today.  It’s getting a little easier as far as talking to a complete stranger about my problems goes.  I find it hard to sleep on therapy nights; so much crap from my past gets dredged up and keeps my mind too busy to sleep.  I have a lot of nightmares since starting therapy, as well.  My subconscious is trying to work through it all, but is showing signs of progress as it turns out.

I dreamed that I went to see my mom for the first time in years.  And it took guts.  But I went for it.  Things immediately went downhill.  There was no “Hi, how are you?”  She went straight into trying to destroy my marriage.  She reported domestic abuse that didn’t even happen to the cops.  She hadn’t seen me or my husband in years, she knew NOTHING about us and then pulls this stunt.  She took my phone and tried to cut me off from my own husband.  Now me and my kid were under her roof, under her control and manipulation, just like she wanted.  I let it happen before in real life, but this dream had a different ending.  I saw through her manipulation this time.  And I fought back.  I let her have it.  In a blind rage, I screamed at her and blamed her for divorcing my dad, amongst many other things.  I then took my phone back and called my husband to pick us up and leave immediately.

My subconscious is taking my past, and mixing it with my present.  It’s telling me that I don’t have to take shit from anyone, not even my own family.  I have a mind of my own, now.  Something I’m just discovering, sadly.  I have been manipulated and controlled my whole life.  But it ends here and now. 

I have a lot of work ahead of me, though.  I also learned today that I am really mean to myself.  I was instructed to try positive affirmations and to be more aware of my inner dialogue and thought process.  I need to change the channel when those self-hating thoughts rear their ugly heads.  I have always been a perfectionist and really hard on myself, so this will be a huge undertaking to say the least.  My INFJ personality type is kind of notorious for being their own worst critic, so I’m actually rewiring my brain here.  It’s overwhelming.   I need to take this one step at a time, which presents another challenge: INFJs are forward thinkers, but this requires me to be in the moment…hmmm.