My Shadow

It lurks and it waits,  in the depths of my soul.
My shadow, my darkness, that I’ve failed to control.
It wraps cold arms around me, so tightly I can’t breathe.
It’s waves crash violently, where I’m left to drown underneath.
I struggle and I fight until I finally break free;
I run fast and far, toward who I wish I could be.
No matter where I run, no matter where I hide,
The darkness always finds me there, and seeps right back inside.
It reminds me in whispers of my failures and my flaws,
It devours my joy and peace with it’s hungry, angry jaws.
“This wouldn’t happen,” it says, “If you weren’t so pathetic and weak.”
“If only you were smart and strong, instead of such a freak.”
My shadow comes like a raging storm in the night,
When I least expect it, when I’m too weak to fight.
It’s the volcano of rage that erupts when I fail.
It’s the speeding train of anxiety going off the rails.
It’s the wall of stone that I can never break through.
It’s the list of mistakes that I cannot undo.
It lurks and it waits, in the depths of my soul.
My shadow, my darkness, that I’ve failed to control.

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The City That Can’t Be Mapped.

Every morning I wake up and push aside the curtains…
What does my world look like today?
Every day is different, in this city that’s alive.
Though it’s the same old city, all the buildings have been rearranged.
The streets I knew yesterday have become an unfamiliar maze.
The weather is a fickle beast,
Sun one day and storms the next.
Only, there is no forecast, no weather maps.
I find myself on edge every morning,
Not knowing what my world will be today.
It seems it always storms while I’m lost in the city’s maze,
And the sun only shines when I have no where to be.
As soon as I learn the city again,
It is time for it to change.
The streets switch places and the buildings swap,
Before anyone can map it.
It’s never the same arrangement twice.
We are a city of confusion,
The city of the lost.
Everything looks familiar,
Yet nothing makes any sense.
The weather teases me with sun,
But always leaves me cold.
The street seemed full of promise,
But leads to another dead end.
I am tired from the mazes,
And shivering from the rain.
I crawl into the only thing familiar,
So I can wake up and do it all again.

 

 

Poetry Set On Fire

Some people listen to music and all they hear are guitars, pianos and drums.  I hear beyond the obvious…like the raw emotion in the singer’s voice.  Actually, I more than hear it, I can feel it.  I feel the emotion conveyed by the instruments combined with the voices and the nuances in the song.  It’s a beautiful combination of art and emotion.  It’s taking something sad and making it beautiful, like poetry set on fire. I like a lot of “sad”, melancholy music;  It’s something real in a fake world.  Maybe that’s why I listen to it so often..to feel something real.  Sometimes, song lyrics are the only thing that can put words to what I am feeling, and suddenly I understand myself better. 
Here are a few of my favorite singers/bands:

-Coldplay (the new album is amazing!)

-London Grammer (Hey Now and Strong are my faves)

-Lovelife (Their newest music is great, and Invisible and Exhaler are favorites from their old stuff)

-Adele

-Ellie Golding

-Semi Precious Weapons (Aviation High and Healer)

-Imagine Dragons

-U2

-Of Monsters and Men

-Mumford and Sons

-Drake (surprisingly, there are R&B hip-hoppy songs out there that convey more emotion than you’d think.  Drake has some good ones)

-Bastille (Love the lyrics on Pompeii)

-Onerepublic

-M83

-Zedd (Sounds mainstream, but I really like the lyrics and enjoy the upbeat sound)

-Avicii (Mostly just Hey Brother and Wake Me Up)

-Sia

-Mazzy Star

-Shiny Toy Guns (I love their Major Tom cover, and there are plenty of hidden gems if you give them a listen)

Even seemingly upbeat songs can be deceiving-if you listen closely, sometimes there is more to it.

Bull In A China Shop

You are the push
and I am the pull.
I am the china shop,
And you are the bull.

The never ending tug-of-war,
The countless broken shards…
This is the hand that I’ve been dealt,
But all I’ve got are shitty cards.

I’ve done the best I can
To man up and be strong.
But my very soul gets tired
From always being wrong.

I am stupid,
I am weak.
I am dramatic,
And I’m a freak.

You look down at me,
Like I am just a mess.
I’m just another button
Here for you to press.

You listen,
but you don’t really hear.
You look,
But you don’t see that clear.

I see the world in 3D,
While you see it in 2.
I hear more than just a song,
But it’s only noise to you.

Even if you read this poem,
You’d just see meaningless words.
You’d say it could be better,
And that poetry’s for the birds.

In a room full of people,
I feel utterly alone.
I am on the wrong side
Of a thick wall of stone.

I want to be someone else,
Someone who just sees facts.
Someone strong and smart,
Who isn’t full of cracks.

But I am just a broken china shop,
And no one comes here anyway.
I’ll be here picking up the pieces,
Hoping you understand some day.